Weiner Scandal Brings Debate. ; Internet Infidelity? Dishonoring Vows? Old Flames Reignite

scassidy@lnpnews.com

When U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner confessed to sending lewdphotographs and messages to women other than his wife, he not onlyset off a barrage of late-night jokes.

He sparked a debate over what constitutes infidelity in a worldtransformed by the Internet.

With more people connecting online - and conveying intenselypersonal details about themselves on social networking sites such asTwitter and Facebook - it's a debate that is likely to continue longafter the Weiner jokes fade away.

In a press conference last week, the congressman from New Yorkdeclared that he loved his wife, Huma Abedin, whom he married justlast summer. Weiner insisted he never actually met any of the half-dozen women to whom he had sent sexually explicit messages andphotos.

His implication was clear: His online antics did not equate tomarital infidelity.

And former President Bill "Clinton wasn't having sex with thatwoman, either," noted Lancaster psychologist Kim Rosenberg, wryly.

In the San Francisco Chronicle, one academic contended thatelectronic affairs were not akin to adultery.

"I don't believe that Weiner cheated on his wife, not at all,"said John Portmann, an associate professor of religious studies atthe University of Virginia and editor of the anthology "In Defenseof Sin."

One Lancaster County couple, encountered at Park City last week,strongly disagreed.

Don Garber and Kori Shuck, of Manor Township, said they believed,unequivocally, that Weiner's online escapades amounted to cheatingon his wife.

"There's mental cheating. Physical cheating is obviously moresevere, but it's all cheating," Garber said, maintaining that peoplejust try to adjust the definition of infidelity "to fit theirlifestyle and their selfish wants."

"We're living in a society where there are no moral guidelinesanymore," Garber said. "We've either lost them or we don't careabout them anymore."

Shuck said that Weiner was acting in "sneaky and distrustful"ways, hiding the truth because he didn't want it to be revealed tohis wife. "All of that is infidelity."

Sending racy photos of his body was Weiner's attempt to tellhimself, Shuck asserted, that " 'I'm still hot. I've still got it.'"

If Weiner required "that much attention," he should have workedon getting his needs met within his marriage, Shuck said. "But noone wants to put in the work. They want instant satisfaction."

Joan Sherman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said that"if you have taken a vow to honor your spouse," you're not honoringthat spouse by "sexting" - sending salacious messages or photos - orhaving Internet affairs. "It's really a dishonor."

Sherman and other Lancaster County therapists interviewed lastweek said that infidelity doesn't necessarily involve physicalcontact.

Sherman put it plainly: "If you have to hide what you're doingfrom your spouse, it's probably cheating."

Catherine Hastings, also a licensed marriage and familytherapist, said that couples may define fidelity, and infidelity, indifferent ways. But "if you're in a relationship and engage inbehaviors where there's a loss of trust, that's certainly going tobe an issue."

Rosenberg pointed out that people can have emotional affairs whenthey put energy they should be putting into their intimaterelationship into "a relationship in which it doesn't belong."

And when a person is talking about his intimate relationship witha third party, and "sharing deep emotional feelings" with that thirdparty, "that's emotional cheating," Rosenberg said.

She said a good gauge of what constitutes an affair is this: "Ifyour partner knew you were doing this, would your partner like it?"

Or, if you are reluctant to introduce a new friend to yourspouse, that may be a danger sign. Another test, Rosenberg said, isthis: "If your partner is objecting, and you're continuing ... why?"

Sometimes, a partner may not grasp the potential danger in aspouse's online relationship. But tweeting photos of "body parts -most partners would get that this is a problem," Rosenberg said.

The local therapists interviewed said they routinely see peoplewho are engaging in emotional affairs - and these affairs,increasingly, are facilitated by technology. These people may betexting intimate thoughts to someone outside their marriage, orchatting incessantly with old flames on Facebook.

This is new terrain for many people, so the rules may not seemclear-cut. "Technology has advanced farther than our decisions aboutwhat's OK and what's not OK," Rosenberg said.

She advised couples to negotiate what's acceptable to bothpartners. "There are partners who can deal with, for instance, pornon the Internet. ... Then there are those who feel it is taking thisenergy out of the relationship," Rosenberg said, adding that if onepartner objects to something, "it needs not to happen."

The Internet makes cheating so easy, Sherman said. "This stuff isnot going to go away. It's only going to get bigger."

Social media enables those who are phobic about committing to oneperson to hedge their bets and connect with others, Rosenberg said.

And the Internet affords "the protection of anonymity" andenables people "to convince themselves that it's virtual, so it'sharmless," Hastings said.

Sherman said the Internet offers "so many pathways to excitement"and so many exits "from the dullness of life."

And because a virtual affair offers an ethical ambiguity thatsleeping with someone else in a seedy motel room does not, astraying spouse may be able to downplay - or at least, seek todownplay - the significance of the straying.

Often, when people are engaging in any type of affair, "They'renot thinking rationally. They're not talking rationally," Shermansaid. "They're thinking, 'Either I can hide this, or deny this.' "

When it comes to an online cheating, a straying spouse "tends towrite it off as nothing," Sherman said, noting that it can be veryfrustrating for both parties, as the injured spouse tries to makethe other spouse "understand what they've done wrong."

This can feel "pretty crazy-making" to the cheated spouse, whomay think,

" 'Maybe I shouldn't be bothered by this,' " Rosenberg said."I've watched many people trying not to feel bothered ... They feelvery lonely, and [feel] a lot of self-doubt. Often, also, their egosare wounded. 'How come I'm not enough?' "

Sherman said that those who engage in emotional affairs may usethe I-didn't-sleep-with-anyone defense, "but there's definitely ashift of allegiance, a shift of excitement, that goes from thespouse to the third party, and it's devastating."

Spouses generally say to their straying mates, " 'If it's takingtime away from me, and if you're telling that person things ... younormally would tell me, it's an affair,' " Sherman said.

And "for most of the people who are being cheated on, they feeljust as violated as if their husband or wife has gone out to sleepwith someone else," Sherman said. "It's very powerful."

So why, given the potential pain involved, would Weiner - oranyone -play away from home, even electronically?

When politicians and celebrities engage in misbehavior, they mayfeel they're entitled to that misbehavior, Hastings said.

Among the not-so-famous, there is no single type who's more proneto sexting or engaging in online dalliances, Hastings said. "It canvary from people who are really shy, who need to stay anonymous butare trying to reach out, to people who have more exhibitionistqualities."

Rosenberg said she's seen both men and women engaging inelectronic cheating, "and both men and women [feeling] betrayed byit."

Some people are straying online because they have a sexual oradrenaline addiction. (On Saturday, it was reported that Weiner wastaking a short leave from the U.S. House of Representatives andseeking professional treatment.)

"One act gives permission for a following act and is usuallyupping the ante for a greater violation," Rosenberg said.

There is a certain fantasy that comes with texting and exchanginglascivious photos and messages via the Internet, Sherman said.

But it should be "enough to have your wife or your husband," shesaid, noting that someone should not need "that feedback from afantasy person."

If someone feels that what he has in real life is not enough, heshould ask himself what he's looking for, and why, Sherman said.

And it would be a good idea, she said, to regard Anthony Weineras a cautionary tale. "I think we have to learn by looking at thepeople around us. We certainly have seen much of Weiner."